Welcome little Buddha!

Men, wake up! Kids are amazing. Careers are often empty by comparison.

Oshotimes Artikel von Sudhir. 06/13

My reflections on fatherhood

Sudhir and his Son

Right after he was born, he was completely silent. He just kept looking at me with his deep, dark blue eyes, as boundless as the ocean. And in that moment, it wasn't a "son" looking at his father - just an incredible presence. The room was dark and we were alone. I had sent the nurses away and his mother was back in surgery. So he spent his first hour of life naked and vulnerable against his father's bare chest. I too became completely silent. My inner turmoil was healed. My doubts about the compatibility of spiritulity and fatherhood vanished. And for the first time I understood Osho's words, which I had recited countless times in therapy groups: "The child comes into the world with an incredible fragrance; immeasurable, undefinable, unnameable... The child is conscious but without thought. This is his original face..." In that immense silence I could only utter three words: "Welcome, little Buddha!"

What helps you become a good father?

This encounter with a little Buddha who was yet to grow into a man would change my life completely - as would the encounter with another Buddha, one who had transcended masculinity. Osho was neither man nor woman and yet both at the same time. For me he was a father figure in the truest, most positive sense of the word - the first man I could accept anything from. What a gift! Then there was my biological father. I couldn't receive much from him earlier in life; I lacked respect for him, and he was never really present. Could I rewrite the father-son story? Would I inadvertently harm this fragile being in my arms? Could insights from therapy and men's liberation groups or the Path of Love actually help me in fatherhood? Could I free myself from outdated father roles?

The Birth of Fatherhood

When did the troubled relationship between fathers and sons begin? A long, long time ago-specifically during the Neolithic period, some 12,000 years ago, in the "Fertile Crescent" (modern-day Turkey). This is probably where fatherhood was first "discovered". This realization must have been as revolutionary as the discovery of fire. During this time, mankind transitioned from a hunter-gatherer culture to a more sedentary culture that included agriculture and animal breeding. Until then, the connection between sexual activity and childbirth had been unclear due to the time gap between conception and birth. Reproduction was attributed solely to women, giving them a leading role in society. Men were hunters.

But one day, Mann discovered that the cow in the corral did not give birth to calves without the bull present. And from that, it was deduced that it must be the same for humans. Wow, dad was created! Man had discovered his creative power. Man began to free himself from the frustrating submission to the woman creator. Man created a patriarchal society. Man laid claim to the children he had ‘created’. Man forbade any sexuality that did not aim to fertilise the woman. Man invented the idea of private property. Man discovered the need to wage armed conflict in defence of his property.

Cultural Legacies

The weight of collective history made my decision to become a father incredibly difficult. My own father lost his father at the age of ten, like millions of German boys who lost their fathers in the war. Postwar fathers, absorbed by the economic miracle, neglected their sons. Generations in Germany grew up without fathers present. 

But does a child need a father?

Yes, absolutely. It is now scientifically proven that children whose fathers are actively involved in their upbringing are more empathetic, self-confident, and intelligent than children whose fathers are absent. In his book "The Drama of Fatherlessness", Horst Petri, a youth psychiatrist in Cologne, Germany, writes that 63% of teenage suicides, 90% of runaways, 85% of juvenile delinquents, and 75% of drug addicts come from fatherless families. The father is the first role model that helps the son develop a sense of identity. The father helps the son to separate from the symbiosis with the mother. Sons prefer the father as a playmate because he engages in rougher, more adventurous games. The German Minister for Family Affairs also stated in an interview with Die ZEIT: "Boys have a natural need to test their physical strength, to fight and wrestle. Not every fight has to be mediated by a conflict resolution officer.

This may explain my son's experience in a Swedish kindergarten. When he was only seven years old, he remarked about his former teacher: "Fröken Marianne doesn't like boys". I think he was right in the sense that she didn't really understand boys, and he could feel that. Only 3% of kindergarten teachers in Germany are men. Feeling misunderstood breeds insecurity. Insecure young men later inflate their egos. If things go badly, they may end up in macho subcultures such as neo-Nazi groups, kill someone in a drunken rage, or abuse their woman.

Fatherhood takes time

"New men - do we need them?" This was the title of a conference at which Professor M. Franz of the University Clinic in Düsseldorf reported that men have become the losers in education. Their health is worse than that of women, their life expectancy is on average five years shorter, and their suicide rate is three times higher. The American director of "National Mental Health" (good luck!) went so far as to speak of a suicide epidemic among young men. Politicians have also come to recognize the problem. Kristina Schröder, the German Minister for Family Affairs, stated in her interview with the ZEIT newspaper: "It is true ... that this government will for the first time explicitly pursue a policy for boys and men.

Let the government first slow down and humanize working life so that fathers can have more time for their sons. I was lucky to be unemployed at the time, which gave me a lot of free time. It takes a lot of time. Being a father is very complex. Despite all my good intentions, I was completely overwhelmed and unprepared.

For the mother, the presence of the child gradually becomes a reality during pregnancy. It's a physical process. She feels the baby moving inside her and has nine months to transition to be a mother. The father, on the other hand, is often emotionally excluded. He has to imagine fatherhood in his mind or try to relate to an ultrasound image. Before the birth, fatherhood is largely just a mental concept. After the birth, it's an absolute challenge: insomnia, fear of responsibility, feelings of inadequacy. The needs of the father quickly drop to third place on the list of family priorities. As if that weren't enough, testosterone levels also drop by an average of one-third after birth. This alone would be enough to send most men into a severe midlife crisis.

Men, wake up!

For the first year we lived in an Osho commune, with a communal kitchen, a big sauna and even a disco in the basement. We had a great time. But then we made a mistake. We moved to the country as a nuclear family of three. Osho was right: the traditional nuclear family is a disaster. At least it was for me. We separated. In the years that followed, I went through every modern fatherhood role: co-parenting father, patchwork family father, part-time father, and social father to a total of four children - most of whom, except for my own son, had never or rarely seen their biological fathers.

Sudhir and his son: "Have I made mistakes? Tons. But now he's 26, a wonderful guy, and we can talk about almost everything.

Have I made mistakes? Tons! Have I hurt the fragile being in my arms? Yesterday I asked him on Skype if he was sad when I left his mother. He said: "No, I wasn't sad about the separation, but I was sad because you used to get so angry and I didn't understand why. Besides, sometimes you're just embarrassing!" He's 26 now, a great young man, and we talk about almost everything.

The father-son relationship isn't a one-way street. I've learned a lot from him too! I'll never forget one morning when we were alone for breakfast. He was three years old and I had just separated from his mother. Deep down I was desperate. Grumpy and lost in my own thoughts, I sat silently at the table. After a few minutes, he looked me straight in the eye and shouted: SLUTA (Swedish for "Stop!"). My mental downwards spiral ended immediately and we went on an adventure together in the wild forest behind our house. Thank you, little Buddha!

Kids are amazing. Careers are often relatively empty. Men, wake up! Don't waste your lives on soulless corporations! Break free from the 12,000-year-old patriarchal oppression that tyrannizes us all - men, women and children alike. And all that nonsense about "men are from Mars, women are from Venus". We all live here on Mother Earth. We've lost respect for mother eartn and the feminine principle within us.

"The traditional man is an endangered species," said Newsweek magazine in 2010. Finally! The time is ripe for the transcendent man, father and human being.

@ s.seyboth@gmx.ch